Thursday, June 7, 2012

Accidently Mostly Attached

Of all the baby gadgets I regret getting — and the list isn't that long — a crib has to be near the top.
In his first 1.5 months of life, Kalin has spent roughly thirty minutes  in her crib. Her older sister Brynlee used it slightly more, though mainly for a baby cage while I vaccumed.
At night, my baby sleeps with me and often naps in my arms.
I’m one of those freaky attachment parenting mothers that’s all the talk thanks to Time’s recent story on extreme parenting. Though the article focused on Dr. William Sears and his controversial attachment theory, it was the cover shot of a mother breastfeeding her three-year-old son that garnered all the attention.
It certainly made my jaw drop. I mean how does a woman nurse that long and still have such perky breasts?
I didn't breastfeed my kids until they were three, to be clear this is where I differ from those other attatchment parents. I made it to two months with Brynlee and am planning about the same goal with Kalin.Partly because I'm really unable to supply what they need, and because It's the one thing about motherhood I haven't been able to get in the groove with
I didn’t intend to practice attachment parenting;  co-sleeping and baby wearing. Before my Brynlee was born I  set up a nursery down the hall and we were given a  swing.
When a mother I met said her child would be sharing her bed I gasped. That would never happen in our household.
Then Brynlee arrived and refused to sleep anywhere but my arms. I started co-sleeping and baby-wearing out of desperation. It was purely a fluke that Sears’ guide, ended up being the mantra in our household.
Sears’s theory on keeping infants close to their mothers and never letting them cry to foster a strong bond and confident children made sense to me. It also made Brynlee less miserable.Even though I was told from countless people to let her just "cry it out". Which we did when she was 6 months old for two months, and resulted in cleaning up puke every night for two months and eventually bringing her to bed with us anyways.
I became an attachment convert, though I was nagged by fears I wasn’t taking the right approach. My worries intensified when I returned to work and could no longer be attached to Brynlee around the clock. She suffered terribly, and would constantly cry while there. At night, she would crawl on my chest to sleep and cuddle with me in bed..
Ultimately I forcefully  sleep trained, a method that go against the core of attachment parenting. Granted I lay next to her until she falls asleep and I don't demand she go to sleep by herself. Brynlee still loves me in the morning, but I can't help feeling I had failed her.
According to the Time article, I suffered a classic case of “post-traumatic Sears disorder,” when a mother strives to achieve the ideals of attachment parenting, but falls short and feels inadequate.
Before Kalin arrived, I toiled over the decision on how to parent for round two. Should I co-sleep or put her in the crib? Strap her to my chest or plop her in a swing? Would Sears continue to be my parenting idol or was it time to shift to the Baby Whisperer, like a friend had recommended?
In the end, I decided to do whatever works and forget the parenting books.
I’m co-sleeping again because I believe that when practised safely it  helps a mother get desperately needed rest. Especially with a toddler. Brynlee is still upAnd sometimes I let Kalin cry, like when her sister is spraying a juice box across the living room.
I’m trying to do what comes naturally and enjoy the experience as much as possible. I’m as attached or detached as the day demands.Austin is calling demands for a crib baby, but I think back to Brynlee and the look of despair she would have and how we would make her puke and go back to sleep because that's what others told us to do, and it breaks my heart. If Kalin goes in her crib by herself and does amazing great, but this time around, I don't think I'm going to be forcing anything. Especially if she has the upchuck abilities of her big sister which thankfully, so far, she doesn't.

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